Where I am right now - its not that pretty

Tuesday 17th February @ 00.38am


Happy Pancake Tuesday!
It is really early in the morning and i am writing this blog post. Why? is the obvious question - well I cannot sleep and my head is full of noise. Normally this would be the time when I would break out the trusty journal and write till my hand aches but I am a little weird and when I am having a rough time of it I just cannot put it down in one of my lovely leather ambigram journals.  I kind of want to save them for when times are good and i don't feel the need to spew my thoughts out like word vomit.  Hence the blog.

I'm thirty years old, married ( more about this later) and I am a mature student studying English Lit and Language, with hopes to becoming a primary school teacher. I have autism, a dog and two cats, a huge book collection, sweet tooth and a love of vinyl music mainly 60's and 70's rock.

I like the poetry of John Keats and Allen Ginsberg but I have to admit Walt Whitman is growing on me.  Well that is enough about me - This is where my life is right now.

I met my husband on an internet dating site nine years ago - married just over four years ago.  He is quite simply the loveliest person i have ever met.  He wasn't my type to be honest too clean cut but his personality just took me over and i fell head over heels in love with him. He treated me with the kind of love and respect i had seen in my parent's marriage but never experienced in my own life before. It was exhilarating.  And everything was great - i am not going to say perfect because that is too trite but it was pretty close.  After two years of marriage we started to try for kids but no joy and then a year after that i was diagnosed with autism. The diagnosis was a long time coming but still shook me to the core.  As you might have guessed the wheel came off about then only I didn't realise it.
Well not until four days before our fourth wedding Anniversary when my lovely husband told me he was not in love with me any more. The bottom fell out of my world and it has yet to right itself. He clarified later that he loved me - thought I was great etc but not in love with my physically any longer and he couldn't explain why.  He thought I was lovely objectively, he enjoyed sex with me but he just wasn't excited about me the way he thought he should be.   Well what do you say to that, what do you do? I couldn't cry or scream at him as he was being honest and that's all I have ever asked of him. How do I change myself to be more physically appealing to him and if I am honest - should  even try to change for him because shouldn't he love me and not the packaging??

Christmas followed our anniversary and it was lovely not a horribly awkward holiday. I struggle to hate him because I actually like him - he is my favourite person to hang out with even now.  So we still live in the same house, share the same bed, he kisses me good bye every day, holds my hand, tells me he loves me - the only thing that has changed really is my knowledge that he isn't physically attracted to me and that we are not sexually active. ( something that is completely killing me!!)  So now we go to therapy twice a month and try and get back to love but it is utterly horrible and completely soul destroying.

And I am completely isolated - I don't want to talk to any of the women I know - either they are newly married and still in the honeymoon phase or single and just don't get my desire to save my marriage.  And even that desire changes daily, sometimes I cannot imagine my life without him and other times I want to try and move on to other lovers or just being single. Its like I am a Gemini or something!

Then we get to the horrid thing that happened last Wednesday - as I wrote above we struggled to have kids and we found out that it is due to me a) not ovulating and b) maybe have a blocked fallopian tube. I am going into hospital in March to have exploratory surgery to see what is actually going on inside me and I am freaking out. I have always wanted children and to maybe discover that I never will has knocked my confidence further.

So that is enough whinging and bringing everyone down - I am an optimist by nature and all I can hope is that someday soon my husband will look at me with desire, that the stars will align, double rainbows will show up in the sky and I will find out the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything!