It's Been Seven Days?


It's nearly midnight - i'm listening to a song by Lea Michelle, she wrote the song to remember her boyfriend Cory who died of a drug overdose. And i have just thought the worst thing in the history of the world. I thought that she is lucky - lucky that she has the knowledge he still loved her, worshipped her, wanted her when he died. She can wrap herself tight in that love.
I on the otherhand know that my husband doesn't love me and doesn't want me. To him i am nothing and all i can wrap up in is my sadness. I now i feel worse as i thought that truly horrible thing - as i know she would rather have him alive and hating her than dead and not.  But yet all i can feel is envy.
I am clearly a horrible nasty little person.

what ever happened to love letters

Tuesday 17th February  @17.37pm



So i made myself a promise that i would write every day for a month on this blog and see if it helps me sort out A) my head and b) my life in general.

After i wrote my first blog post last night - i wrote my husband a long email. When we first started dating we wrote emails to each other daily, kind of like love letters so i thought i would try and restart that with him last night. I wrote about all the things i had enjoyed yesterday-so i wrote about my autism support group meeting, a book i had read ( Cats Cradle) and a film i had watched called The Pretty One - it stars Zoe Kazan and the guy who plays Nick in New Girl. It was so sweet and funny - a total gem of a movie.
I caught him up on The Walking Dead and my weird paranoia regarding male weatherman on tv - both the ones on Channel Four and Five terrify me. I don't know why.  Basically it was just a little snapshot of the inside of my brain. With no pressure to reply back as i know how manic he is at work.

But reply he did - Huzzah you might say but i'm not so sure. He responded to all the little points and questions i had popped in my email - like where the song 'everything stops for tea' comes from - they use it in a advert at the moment and it is just so familiar.
Maybe in a past life i was a tea girl in a speakeasy???
But the email was almost totally devoid of emotion - am i just kidding myself about rekindling the love we once had between us or am i just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Add to that i now have the added worry that out marital problems are going to be common knowledge. He has to go back home to visit his grandmother who is not well and i am worried that he will explain about the baby situation and the falling out of love with his wife situation and when he gets back our life will be tipped over on its head again.

I don't know if i value stability the way i do due to being autistic - mainly because i have no clue how someone who isn't on the spectrum values it but when things that shake it happen i kind of retreat into my shell and i cannot communicate with friend or foe. Perfectly acceptable when you are five and the only thing you are worrying about is what crayon is the best to colour in the frog in your picture. Less great when i need to do housework, homework, go to uni and talk to people, Which is almost impossible when i find it a struggle to even leave my bedroom without collapsing into a fullblown panic attack.  I'm able to function pretty well most of the time in fact most people would never think there was something wrong with me - maybe just that i am super chatty.

So now i am sat on our bed writing this post, after tearing my room apart looking for my bank card, wondering have i just lost the plot and should i have just gone to my bookclub tonight. Instead i am binge watching Law and Order SVU and thinking that my problems are pretty pointless in the face of all the other major things that could go wrong. Does anybody else do that - basically judge their life on tv shows by going well my marriage is falling apart but at least i haven't got cancer like April on chasing Life, or i'm not being stalked by A like the girls on pretty little liars. So if they can handle that i can handle this???

I think i just need to focus my energy on something good for a while - I am taking part in a zombie run in May and i totally need to get in shape. I may be the only person in the world trying to lose weight so they don't get killed by fake zombie attacks but hey at least i'm trying. I'll let you know how it goes.

Where I am right now - its not that pretty

Tuesday 17th February @ 00.38am


Happy Pancake Tuesday!
It is really early in the morning and i am writing this blog post. Why? is the obvious question - well I cannot sleep and my head is full of noise. Normally this would be the time when I would break out the trusty journal and write till my hand aches but I am a little weird and when I am having a rough time of it I just cannot put it down in one of my lovely leather ambigram journals.  I kind of want to save them for when times are good and i don't feel the need to spew my thoughts out like word vomit.  Hence the blog.

I'm thirty years old, married ( more about this later) and I am a mature student studying English Lit and Language, with hopes to becoming a primary school teacher. I have autism, a dog and two cats, a huge book collection, sweet tooth and a love of vinyl music mainly 60's and 70's rock.

I like the poetry of John Keats and Allen Ginsberg but I have to admit Walt Whitman is growing on me.  Well that is enough about me - This is where my life is right now.

I met my husband on an internet dating site nine years ago - married just over four years ago.  He is quite simply the loveliest person i have ever met.  He wasn't my type to be honest too clean cut but his personality just took me over and i fell head over heels in love with him. He treated me with the kind of love and respect i had seen in my parent's marriage but never experienced in my own life before. It was exhilarating.  And everything was great - i am not going to say perfect because that is too trite but it was pretty close.  After two years of marriage we started to try for kids but no joy and then a year after that i was diagnosed with autism. The diagnosis was a long time coming but still shook me to the core.  As you might have guessed the wheel came off about then only I didn't realise it.
Well not until four days before our fourth wedding Anniversary when my lovely husband told me he was not in love with me any more. The bottom fell out of my world and it has yet to right itself. He clarified later that he loved me - thought I was great etc but not in love with my physically any longer and he couldn't explain why.  He thought I was lovely objectively, he enjoyed sex with me but he just wasn't excited about me the way he thought he should be.   Well what do you say to that, what do you do? I couldn't cry or scream at him as he was being honest and that's all I have ever asked of him. How do I change myself to be more physically appealing to him and if I am honest - should  even try to change for him because shouldn't he love me and not the packaging??

Christmas followed our anniversary and it was lovely not a horribly awkward holiday. I struggle to hate him because I actually like him - he is my favourite person to hang out with even now.  So we still live in the same house, share the same bed, he kisses me good bye every day, holds my hand, tells me he loves me - the only thing that has changed really is my knowledge that he isn't physically attracted to me and that we are not sexually active. ( something that is completely killing me!!)  So now we go to therapy twice a month and try and get back to love but it is utterly horrible and completely soul destroying.

And I am completely isolated - I don't want to talk to any of the women I know - either they are newly married and still in the honeymoon phase or single and just don't get my desire to save my marriage.  And even that desire changes daily, sometimes I cannot imagine my life without him and other times I want to try and move on to other lovers or just being single. Its like I am a Gemini or something!

Then we get to the horrid thing that happened last Wednesday - as I wrote above we struggled to have kids and we found out that it is due to me a) not ovulating and b) maybe have a blocked fallopian tube. I am going into hospital in March to have exploratory surgery to see what is actually going on inside me and I am freaking out. I have always wanted children and to maybe discover that I never will has knocked my confidence further.

So that is enough whinging and bringing everyone down - I am an optimist by nature and all I can hope is that someday soon my husband will look at me with desire, that the stars will align, double rainbows will show up in the sky and I will find out the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything!