what ever happened to love letters

Tuesday 17th February  @17.37pm



So i made myself a promise that i would write every day for a month on this blog and see if it helps me sort out A) my head and b) my life in general.

After i wrote my first blog post last night - i wrote my husband a long email. When we first started dating we wrote emails to each other daily, kind of like love letters so i thought i would try and restart that with him last night. I wrote about all the things i had enjoyed yesterday-so i wrote about my autism support group meeting, a book i had read ( Cats Cradle) and a film i had watched called The Pretty One - it stars Zoe Kazan and the guy who plays Nick in New Girl. It was so sweet and funny - a total gem of a movie.
I caught him up on The Walking Dead and my weird paranoia regarding male weatherman on tv - both the ones on Channel Four and Five terrify me. I don't know why.  Basically it was just a little snapshot of the inside of my brain. With no pressure to reply back as i know how manic he is at work.

But reply he did - Huzzah you might say but i'm not so sure. He responded to all the little points and questions i had popped in my email - like where the song 'everything stops for tea' comes from - they use it in a advert at the moment and it is just so familiar.
Maybe in a past life i was a tea girl in a speakeasy???
But the email was almost totally devoid of emotion - am i just kidding myself about rekindling the love we once had between us or am i just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Add to that i now have the added worry that out marital problems are going to be common knowledge. He has to go back home to visit his grandmother who is not well and i am worried that he will explain about the baby situation and the falling out of love with his wife situation and when he gets back our life will be tipped over on its head again.

I don't know if i value stability the way i do due to being autistic - mainly because i have no clue how someone who isn't on the spectrum values it but when things that shake it happen i kind of retreat into my shell and i cannot communicate with friend or foe. Perfectly acceptable when you are five and the only thing you are worrying about is what crayon is the best to colour in the frog in your picture. Less great when i need to do housework, homework, go to uni and talk to people, Which is almost impossible when i find it a struggle to even leave my bedroom without collapsing into a fullblown panic attack.  I'm able to function pretty well most of the time in fact most people would never think there was something wrong with me - maybe just that i am super chatty.

So now i am sat on our bed writing this post, after tearing my room apart looking for my bank card, wondering have i just lost the plot and should i have just gone to my bookclub tonight. Instead i am binge watching Law and Order SVU and thinking that my problems are pretty pointless in the face of all the other major things that could go wrong. Does anybody else do that - basically judge their life on tv shows by going well my marriage is falling apart but at least i haven't got cancer like April on chasing Life, or i'm not being stalked by A like the girls on pretty little liars. So if they can handle that i can handle this???

I think i just need to focus my energy on something good for a while - I am taking part in a zombie run in May and i totally need to get in shape. I may be the only person in the world trying to lose weight so they don't get killed by fake zombie attacks but hey at least i'm trying. I'll let you know how it goes.